Sweet & Sour

July 17, 2009

Well, below are some useful tips that will prevent me from transmogrifying from honeysweet to a sourkraut.  Sometimes, you might be unaware of what can be annoying and especially if you are new to this delicious hobby, you might be excited and in your exuberance unwittingly step on my dainty stilettoed toes.  I would hate for me to get the wrong impression of you.

Please even if you are nervous, do not forget some basic manners when you call or email me, take the trouble to say hello and do not just use one liners. Remember that I provide a deeply personal and passionate exchange so please behave in a polite, friendly and non-aggressive manner.  Merely barking ‘details’ down the phone may result in me reading out the shipping news.

I am just like any other glamorous woman; please don’t call me ‘Babe’.  I am cute but not in a pink, porker kind of way!

Don’t ask me what you will get for your money or get me to describe what I will do to you.  I do not provide an adult phone service.  Genuine clients never asked those questions!  I may also recount a scene from my favourite horror movie…

Do not withhold your phone number, as I may not answer.  I won’t be happy to get into any detailed conversation until you call with a number showing.  Those withholding their numbers tend to have long, long questions about fetishes yet appear unable to unmask their phone.

Please do not turn up in a less than fragrant state. I adore spoiling and pampering you but for me to get in the mood you need to be clean and freshly deodorised.  If you have come straight from work or feel sweaty, use my shower.  Don’t tell me you have showered already when I offer you my facilities if that was in the morning and our tryst is hours later.  And – if I offer you mouth wash – just accept it!

Please let me know straight away if you cannot make our date or if you are running late.  I may not be able to see you if it is very behind schedule, as I might have other plans or am just a contrary moo and pretend to be busy because I am annoyed about your tardiness.

Don’t turn up early, especially if it is more than 5 minutes – I will be ready for you at the agreed time so please don’t rush me.  Why not go for a coffee or take a walk round the block until our designated rendezvous.

Let me know if you are nervous or if it is your first time with a floozy.  I am always patient and gentle but will take extra care to put you at ease.  And please don’t worry yourself too much if this is your first visit to a floozy.  Don’t let anxiety overshadow the meeting.  Just enjoy the run-up to it and if you are nervous just think of it as a blind date with a guaranteed result…

Don’t ever try to negotiate my rates!  My boudoir is not some bazaar, nor are you buying a second-hand camel or haggle for a Persian rug.  I will be offended!  We floozies come in all price ranges – if my rates seem too high just look around for someone whose prices suit you better.

Have the correct money ready once we exchanged greetings.  Make sure you give yourself plenty of time to organise sufficient cash before our tryst.  Don’t make me ask you for the money and don’t ‘accidentally’ short-change me.  Don’t expect to pay me ‘next time you see me’.  No Money no Honey!

Do not overstep any boundaries.  Being university educated, I have no intention of re-sitting any ‘A’ levels.  Don’t try and persuade me that I might like it if you poke anything up my derrière.  I am as likely to enjoy it as you might appreciate having your crown jewels stapled to a coffee table.  Incidentally, if that floats your boat please do not expect me to dig out my Paslode nail gun!

Don’t ask for bareback sex, you may not value your health but I do care for my wellbeing.  Don’t whine about your ‘soldier’ not being able to perform when wearing a raincoat.  Without helmet and protection it is not marching anywhere near my trench!

Don’t be rough with my nipples!  Do not knead them like you preparing a pizza dough, squeeze, bite, or twist them.  Trust me – you won’t be able to tune in Jazz FM.  But you will have turned me right off!

Likewise the same applies to my most delicate honey pot, no rough fingering or biting.
Don’t push my head down when I am taking a ‘dictation’ or pull my hair, unless you want me to ‘accidentally’ bite…

Don’t misread my warm and friendly personality.  I probably really like you and enjoy seeing you but don’t ask to meet for a coffee or suggest getting to know one another better.  If you would like to see more of me, book more frequently or arrange for longer meetings.

Sometimes I enjoy some banter and when time permits some email exchange but bear in mind that I am often busy and in periods between our meetings, well that is my time so please don’t take it for granted.

Don’t text me, especially if we have never met.  I won’t answer, especially if it is something daft like ‘R u free’.  Call after all you have my number.

Never ever send me a picture of your privates all it will reveal is that you are a dick.  Such close up and personal portrays will go straight into the trash folder.  But I may if in a bad mood and if it contains a particular stupid message forward it with your details to some big hairy biker who might want to make you his canine female pet companion…

As for my biography, you will know as much about me as I would like you to know.  Don’t pry into my private life; it is just that – private!

Don’t contact me telling me you are a stud and that I would love to see you for free.  I don’t!  Plus there are many gorgeous and wonderful gents that are respectful and GENEROUS!  Remember nothing gets me more in the mood and moistens my silk panties than the kerching in my Burlesque Piggy Bank!

Even if we have seen each other on more than one occasion please don’t embarrass me or yourself by suggestion any discounts.  I am of course pleased if you decide to come back but this ought to be due to my ample charms and not due to any monetary incentives.  You will find that I reward your loyalty in many other ways.

Lastly gents, I don’t watch the clock and often will chat and even perhaps let things conclude beyond the end of our actual appointment time.  But don’t take it for granted and do not ignore any polite hints if you are overstaying your rendezvous.  It is up to me to instigate any overtime once our designated appointment has ended and not something you should expect.