Dear Santa

September 29, 2008

I have been a very bad girl this year. Shall I sit on your lap, tickle your beard and tell you all about it? At least, in my defence I can honestly say I played nicely with others and shared out plenty of happiness, especially to poor deserving gents.

So it is maybe a little early, I know but I just want to give you the chance to rustle everything up and fit it all in your hopefully generous, bulging sack….

And please, Santa Darling, don’t take this the wrong way but you are after all a man and despite some seven hundred odd years’ experience still probably have not figured out what makes the intriguing species known as the fairer sex tick. Don’t worry about second guessing Frau Claus or any of us floozies. And no offence, even you have been known to get it wrong on the gift front….. So some handy tips of what not to shove down my chimney!

Things that would NOT put the Jingle in my Bell (and likely to make me stomp my dainty stilettos)!

• Any books on how to interpret dreams
• Soap on a rope
• Any esoteric shit, especially crystals, wind chimes and hippy stones
• Crystal animals, otherwise known as Dust Catchers
• Strange limited art dolls with scary expressions
• Weird Pierrot plaster masks
• Teddy bears bearing hearts or other fluffy monstrosities
• Executive office toys, especially fake bricks (although I do like a USB Chameleon…)
• Nodding car toys, except perhaps a Nodding Jesus
• ‘Classy’ Paris Hilton merchandise
• Ditto for Britney et all
• Any version of Poison perfume
• Any songs by Enia or Kate Bush or *whispers God forbid, Chris De Burgh!
• Singing lessons – don’t add insult to injury…
• Butt plug – even if it is a designer diamond crusted one, Darlink!
• Subscription to Heat Magazine
• Ditto for OK, Hello or other publishing atrocities
• Any Hallmark abomination
• Katie Price/Jordan ‘Biography’
• Breast Enlargement
• Tickets to a musical, especially ‘Sound of Music’!!!
• Stay at Buddhist Retreat
• Hard Core Detox Holiday (There is no way I shall douche my tush with caffeine!)
  
• Any Healing Course or self help literature
• The Alpha Course
• Ugg Boots
• Birkenstock sandals
• Leather Dirndl
• Lehman Brother shares

Little Trinkets that would make me squeal with delight…….

• World Peace Domination
• Nissan Figaro (don’t mind which colour – you surprise me)
• Vintage type 125 cc scooter
• Nice pad in W2 or anywhere in London, really I am not that fussy
• Art objects on my Desires’ section
• Apple Airbook
• Vouchers for Heal’s
• The entire Stop Staring collection
• The full Mode Merr range
• A no holds barred trolley dash in Fairy Gothmother
• An inflatable Sumo Wrestler suit
• Any of the Gufram furniture range as re-launched by B&B Italia
• The ‘Bird Table’ by Meret Oppenheim
• Professional Bean to Cup coffee machine for caffeine induced ecstasy
• A never ending supply of fully fashioned, seamed stockings
• Vintage Thierry Mugler
• Glass tea set by Wilhelm Wagenfeld
• An octogenarian billionaire groom
• Limitless order volume for Amazon, especially for the floozy literature section
• Pole Dancing lessons and a specially structurally reinforced pole
• Unlimited massage sessions
• Big Plasma flat screen thingy, especially by Loewe
• Bose sound system
• Agape ‘Spoon’ bath tub
• Shopping account at Alternative Plans
• A pair of Louboutins to celebrate each week
• Maya Hansen corsets
• Not so limited capsule selection of Angels Carrying Savage Weapons
• Essential Velder Lauder supply
• Luxurious trough of chocolates
• Truckful of AA batteries

Well that ought to last me until next year I suppose……