Honey’s going for the burn

Each year as sure as the seasons come and go and the tide moves in and out, I reach a moment when I suddenly realise that for some peculiar reason all my clothes have shrunk in the wash and do not have the usual amount of stretch. I am really not sure whether it is down to detergents or perhaps my washing machine acting up. A friend voiced the preposterous notion that I might have put on weight! As I am sitting here daintily nibbling on my Chocolate Surprise I can hand on heart reveal that I hardly eat a thing. Really, I generally eat very light meals! Surely, nothing could be lighter than a diaphanous feather thin puff pastry or really insubstantial bowl of caramel mousse with a cheeky dollop of whipped cream.

But I reluctantly entertain the idea of embarking on a diet to solve the pinch. Problem is which one there is a myriad of different eating regimes out there many of which celebrity endorsed! Suddenly, I remember the most sensible eating plan by an international icon of glamour and with curves in the right places. I particular like her brilliant no nonsense diet tips. You might wonder who? Of course, none other than the glamorous porker Miss Piggy! There is a sensible straight talking elegant swine. First tip, I now follow religiously is ‘never eat more in one sitting than you can carry…’ and ‘If you don’t like it don’t eat it’. Makes perfect sense and already cuts out a considerable number of calories without trying. There are a number of reasons some of which should be rather obvious as to why the Cabbage Soup Diet is not really a great one to follow and hardly sociable….

Hence I realise I need to embark on some high activity eating plan. The idea is of course rather simple, make sure you burn sufficient calories and voila you are once again a gorgeous pneumatic Honey…

Therefore I thought it prudent to make a list of calories I burn on an average night say going out to dinner with burned calorific value in brackets. Mmmmh, scouting around the boudoir trying to find clean and suitable item of clothing, which zips up and does not bust open (50 kcal). Opening shoe cupboard and trying to decide on just which pair of shoes (35 kcal), dry brushing and then exfoliating scaly bits (20 kcal), showering, shaving drying and slathering on body cream (20 kcal), applying make up (10 kcal), curling multiple layer of Mascara (30 kcal), mildly panicking and running around aimlessly after realising that one is a teeny weeny late of say 1 hour (15 kcal), trying to contort and attach suspender clips to stockings that continually ping back (45 kcal), pushing and pulling into outfit momentarily stuck over head and ritual contortions (50 kcal), retrieving one shoe that meandered under bed (20 kcal), looking for purse (25 kcal), looking for keys (25 kcal), looking for phone (25 kcal), looking for other floozy phone and ringing it (20 kcal), opening letters chucked through letter box (10 kcal), tearing up pesky utility bills (15 kcal), opening door by buzzer to gent picking me up (5 kcal), frantically stuffing assorted items of clothing and other debris in cupboards and repeatedly slamming door shut (70 kcal), walking to the gents car (9 kcal), being terrible entertaining and witty on journey to restaurant (10 kcal), glancing both sides and crossing road to restaurant (10 kcal), entering and sitting down at table (9 kcal), polite discussion with maitre d’ and relocating to new table (25 kcal), lifting and deliberating menu (6 kcal), eating (75 kcal), drinking (25 kcal), continuing witty and charming conversation (75 kcal), checking the bill (10 kcal), checking the bill once more (10 kcal), polite discussion with waiter intersected with descriptive gestures (45 kcal), reading amended bill (10kcal), rummaging forlornly in one’s handbag (15 kcal), graciously accepting the gent’s offer to pay for the meal (5 kcal). A quick tally of calories burnt already reveals that this high activity plan is likely to offset anything digested….

Just read something about menus and food in the post war years, rationing led to many strange concoctions and apparently it was considered rude to enquire about the origins of the ingredients until one swallowed. Mmmmh, that would be likely to cause a few raised eyebrows in our genre…