Archive for the ‘Religion’ Category
June 10, 2009
Just walked past some earnest young men that were selling incense and handing out pamphlets praising a rather secular aspect of Islamic religion. It isn’t too warm right now so my attire was modest but mainly for climatic concerns. The righteous brother reluctantly spoke to me when I asked him about some points of Islam.
Especially, the notion of martyrs upon entering paradise being promised 72 virgins… Seems strange that there is such a precise number when the rest of the arrangement is somehow left a little vague for my liking. Surely faced with a momentous decision of blowing one’s corporal remains into millions of smithereens one might want to establish some clearer idea of what to expect in the hereafter. For a start, these virgins – are they necessarily female? Can you imagine the slight disappointment when the hero arrives to claim his virgins to find out that they mostly consist of 40-something podgy nerdy male computer geeks….? The Arabic word ‘houri’ or ḥūrīyah does not necessarily mean that these chaste doe-eyed companions are actually female, rather it often refers to “virgins with bodies not affected by pregnancy or breast-feeding. Mmmmh, now me being always a bit wary about the Almighty and his penchant for word plays would be cautious to say the least! Interestingly, the Arabic word entered the European language and the word ‘hur’ especially in the Germanic language evolved to something altogether more different… Sufficient to say that the translation somehow ended up as ‘ voluptuous, beautiful, alluring woman’.
Being also practically minded, I wonder how any martyr will co-habit with 72 females? Personally, I would want to establish some bathroom rota for a start!
January 21, 2009
Is it moi? Do I give off a distinct whiff of Eau de Floozy? Do people think I need some divine intervention? The third person in about as many days just before Christmas saw fit to proclaim with a rather smug expression I might add ‘Jesus loves you’. Somehow perhaps each urban missionary probably expected me to drop to my knees and express total beatified ecstasy and gratitude. But for some reason, the last Jesus freak was a bit taken aback when I cheerfully answered ‘of course he does, why shouldn’t he? I am bloody gorgeous!’ Nout like some positive self affirmation… lol Then I felt like delving a little deeper into exactly what way the son of God loves me. In a paternal benign and caring way, in some clothes ripping lusting kind of way, or in that special way, shown by his earthy representatives especially in the USA and Ireland to countless of still traumatised children? Mmmmh, given the rather unsolicited declaration of love towards moi, ought I think of an injunction? My potential saviour and hapless missionary started looking uncomfortable at this stage…
June 16, 2008
Ever since I can remember I wanted to be please people….. Some might say this is the perfect prerequisite for becoming a floozie. But sadly my great intentions and my desire to please were often misread and my efforts maligned. When I was younger – different sets of relatives tried to indoctrinate me and win me over to their religions. Lets just say in terms of major belief systems – my family had the guilt trip very well covered indeed and catering at family dos proved a major nightmare. Since my father and mother came from different religious backgrounds both decided to not raise us without any doctrine and instead focused on humanitarian work. The latter probably explains as to why I matured into a materialistic superficial fickle wench… lol
One group of relatives tried to teach me the background and stories behind many major Jewish religious festivities, the gist usually boiling down to ‘hey they tried to kill us, we survived now lets eat….’ to summarise their significance. The Catholic brigade on the other side were trying to win my soul anytime I was on visits in Europe and encouraged me to go to confession despite not having any in-depth understanding of the latter process. Anyway, I went to mass and then confession afterwards. Seeing a rather tired priest, I felt a bit sorry to subject him to my meagre offerings of sins and believed that I owed it to him to provide some more interesting entertainment hence I tried my best to jazz it up and make my confession more interesting. Suddenly, the priest was wide awake and starred at me open mouthed. He insisted that I came back fairly shortly afterwards and thus I realised I had to prepare and do more research. Luckily, any decent household had a copy of the Joy of Sex translated into every major language. For a long time, I was under the impression that all grown males had hairy backs…. The priest was sitting at the edge of his seat during my next visit and I quickly became his major raison d’être until my mother eventually got wind of this and put a stop to my confessions. Quite nice so to get the undivided attention of an interested person. Mind you I was slowly running out of juicy material.
At an earlier age, I heard about some missionaries living in a nearby village and asked my father what they do. He somewhat flippantly replied that they got together once a week to eat Jesus. For a four year old with a vivid imagination this led to considerable reluctance to enter church at my next visit to Europe….
June 9, 2008
In a reminiscing mood today, I remembered the kind of sayings my grandmother used to utter. If they don’t make sense then this isn’t necessarily due to meaning lost in translation…. lol One of her maxims was ‘the road to hell is paved in good intentions’ being blessed or possibly cursed with a vivid imagination, I envisaged a kind of wonky cobbled stoned medieval alleyway stretching through my life on to eventual perdition… That said I reckon hell would be far more interesting in my own take of Bocaccio’s Deccamerone with far more pleasant and entertaining folks down there. With perhaps the exception of some unsavoury lot, like the odd pope or two. And a couple of my relatives, one of which might even make Satan scuttle of to the pearly gates in a quest for political asylum….. Anyway, apart from not just the food – I imagine the music being so much better at hell. Heaven by comparison holds little appeal, with visions of organic cotton chemises and Birkenstock sandals, a macrobiotic raw nut roast and bloody Enya wafting on in the background.
My gran would always tell me to wear my best clean knickers – no not on a hot night out – on everyday occasions in case I get run over by a bus. Mmmh, in the aftermath of a major traffic accident, I somehow don’t believe that the ambulance crew would be overly concerned with my choice of lingerie. Will they really pay attention if my undies are not co-ordinated or heaven forbid not be French lacey ones…..?
May 27, 2008
Marks the historic moment when this Honey went baaad….. In fact, I stumbled into the world of strumpeteering per chance – you might say the accidental harlot!
Now about 18 months ago, a normal work client meeting extended to coffees and a drink back at his hotel. This was a truly charming man with a great personality and an entire day and evening of flirting began having a resounding effect on me. I was and still am happily single and enjoyed a decently long enough period of abstinence. Although then I was slowly reaching the point where I was beginning to get slightly concerned about detecting a teeny whiff of Eau de Old Maid around moi and the distinct possibility of suddenly owning millions of moggies looming in the not too distant future. Thus I owed it my Yoni not to mention my poor neighbours to get laid quickly! Really, I am quite an altruistic Honey….
What can I say – then followed a glorious romp that quickly abolished all risks of adopting an unfeasible number of felines and my number one pussy got a good once over and fresh MOT. Despite my post coital bliss, I noticed that the gent was a tad confused about what transpired between us. I assured him that I was ecstatically happy with our brief encounter and happy to go our separate ways without any impending danger to his family rabbit….. He assured me that wasn’t really what he was concerned with and he too had thoroughly enjoyed himself. Eventually, he confessed that in order to deal with the guilt about enjoying extra marital nookie he only visited escorts as to not blur the line between his relationship with his wife. He then asked if I would be really offended if he actually offered to pay me for our encounter. I thought about it hard for about oh, well about 4 seconds and then ask ‘exactly how much he intended to offend me’? Well, let’s just say he felt very guilty and the offence was rather hefty…… God, I adore Catholics – so much guilt and such great capacity for sinning!