July 1, 2009
Hahahaha – got you! Now, now calm down, I have not added another string to my bow nor do I offer more specialised services. I have joined the new revamped gym near me and got myself a membership at the leisure centre. Today I participated in Aqua Fitness which is a posh term for doing exercises in the water. This is great as you can work out for an hour but the flotation effect and mitigation of gravity allows you to do a variety of aerobic workout without any stress on your joints. I felt light and imagined myself as some lithe nymph frolicking in the water in some Fifties inspired polka dot swimming costume. However, as I looked up and saw a reflection in the ceiling, my illusions were somewhat shattered. I glimpsed a dotted creature among all the other water hippos stomping up and down thus creating the equivalent of an indoor Tsunami. In fact, the massive tidal waves created by the collective underwater marching were in danger of catapulting some poor guy out of the water at the other end of the pool….
June 26, 2009
Tent… Well even in times of uncertainty at least there is one reassuring certainty, Glastonbury comes and so does the rain. Mud glorious mud is simply part of the festival. Seasoned veterans of the event understand that Trench Foot is simply part and parcel of the musical event.
June 19, 2009
Mention bra size and suddenly one encounters the oddest bed fellows… First so let’s get one thing straight, I am a floozy but also a free thinking and independent young-ish lady. I just happen to believe that one can entertain feminist principles of equal rights and self-determination without growing a moustache or burning one’s bra. Seriously, you are joking – who would want to destroy some of the artistic treasures nestling in my lingerie drawers! But it seems that each time in recent years any bra manufacturer launches an innovative Ad campaign, prudish matrons join ranks with Andrea Dworkin’s demented soul sisters and wannabe New Men!
Actually, I would love to see fun and innovative commercials for cleavage popping puppy holsters that feature strong, proud and confident ladies. Please spare me the usual sensitive thinking man’s Guardian style editorial about predatory sexist women or outrage about any suggestion that men love generous cleavages, err they actually do! Just as much as others love pert betitted gamine ladies. Vive la difference! But let’s celebrate the comedy value of boobs, you gotta love even the word as it makes you titter… I want to see some humour in adverts, you know – if your cup size allows it, use your bra cup to net a gent – literally – like a capricious butterfly lasso him into your clutches. If you are measuring double letters beyond a D then adverts could praise potential dual purposes of your underwear such as great vessels to transport a few pounds of cherries or even serve as a lacy hood!
Without inviting any data, further ‘educational’ comments or so-called research links aka spam, it seems a lot of ladies find their assets have increased. Even a cursory glance around my female friends and fellow floozies revealed that most of us have worked our way through the alphabet. Sadly, so this development is not really reflected in retailing trends. As a former 34C, lingerie shop floors represented endless temptation. Now as a 36 or sometimes 38 DD or E, I suddenly face frou frou deserts! Where once there was abundance of diaphanous concoctions of delicate lace and flimsy wisps of fabric, I suddenly face barren wilderness and vast emptiness of style. Agent Provocateur does not even believe moi exists and you might as well join a forum aimed at style conscious Yetis, as you are more likely to find one rather than one of their bras that fits you. Although, in their case that is no real hardship as the brand is overrated and their lingerie tends to be made of cheap fabrics with a nasty feel that could not be distinguished from Le Primark sans label! But with other much dearly loved underwear companies it is heart breaking to no longer find their adorable products fitting my more ample cleavage! So after a bra fitting, the purchase sadly often turns from frivolous to structural engineering exercises that remind me of scaffolding rather than delicate under wiring. In fact, some hyena faced saleswomen fail to understand the notion that anyone above size 0 actually rejoices in beautiful lingerie rather than taupe coloured asbestos coated cement girdles…
Luckily, there are a few vintage inspired underwear companies that celebrate the hourglass delights of va va voom bombshells and who would have fitted real women, such as Sophia Loren or Anita Ekberg. So please all you lingerie sellers – let me have La Dolce Vita in your shops! However, I want better materials and much wider choice. Well, instead of whinging about the desolate state of sexy lingerie for real curvy women, I have decided to take positive action and am enrolling in tailoring and fashion design courses. I am determined to put the wiggle back into fashion and develop lingerie and couture that celebrates breathtaking curves!
June 19, 2009
Well, to paraphrase an older song ‘it is my blog and I pen what I like to…’ My last entry discussed extreme breast surgery and the emphasis was on supersized hooters and not an attack on cosmetic surgery as such! Since I received a flood of comments on this subject most of which I have not approved or have landed in my spam section. Well, this is not a forum but an outlet for my personal musings so I don’t want to host a major debate or heated exchange on my blog. If anyone feels passionately about the subject they can raise their concerns on their own online diary or enter into a dialogue on a suitable public forum.
But what I resent most of all are those that are pretending to enter a dialogue on the subject while prominently displaying a web link to their online lingerie or other clothing sales site in their comment. Besides the fact that the spamming attempts are as subtle as an air raid, I am unwilling to allow anyone to exploit my site to gain free publicity. Apart from taking exception to ‘entrepreneurs’ exploiting the fruits of my loins, this is after all my virtual diary and I am not keen for it to be dissected by those that want to tout their wares. The latter is my sole prerogative! lol
And to reiterate I am also really not interested in UK statistics on how many ladies might be pear shaped and may actually have small boobies despite being on the voluptuous site. Please save such snippets for a relevant research or someone who cares! For a start I am not an English pair but a fruity Continental hourglass wench. I was not publishing a scientific paper and thus am not seeking the opinion of some misguided head teacher! And no - I will not back up any of my observations with relevant scientific data. Rule of manicured thumb is that many ladies that are pneumatically padded all over are also frequently blessed in the cleavage department. This observation can be demonstrated by moi as I have been a curvy size 8 for most of my adult life and with each precious extra pound on my physique; pert delicious mini apples have morphed into juicy ripe Honeydew melons!
Gents if you love plump and natural then bonbon for you but this is not a platform to denigrate any lady that seeks to maximise what Maman Nature has given her. I have seen lovely results of great augmentations and can appreciate the boost in confidence it has given some ladies. I just am worried about those that obviously suffer from some form of distorted body image and who become addicted to cosmetic surgery. Such a condition worries me especially if coupled with perhaps a manipulative partner who will encourage extreme transformation into almost a cartoon character of a thin body with gigantic inflated boobs. So if you have a differing opinion – tough titties – I reserve the right to select what comment I will approve on my blog!
June 14, 2009
Mmmh, not really talking about the supposed master piece by Van Klomp but the strange and recurrent quest of some men for the largest mammaries available. These udderly unbelievable cleavage busters seldom grace the frame of otherwise slim women naturally. Normally an overall generous body shape means an equally impressive rack. However, some guys are looking for a fairly slim or even skinny female body with gravity defying top. Far being it for me to criticise any lady for optimising her assets with cosmetic surgery. But I am concerned when it starts becoming addictive and rather than adding a couple of cup sizes the new bra needs to resort to the Cyrillic alphabet’s extra letters to measure the new circumference. When is big too massive? Of course, all of us floozies have our own special attraction but I would prefer to offer a more ‘rounded’ appeal rather than offering a singular fetish or attain some notoriety based on extreme surgery. Generally, my puppies tend to swell and wane similarly to the moon depending on my overall weight. Hence I refer to rather generous handfuls, obviously referring to averagely proportioned hands…
Sadly, especially when a lady becomes famous or better infamous purely for her chest size often the career is ‘managed’ by some dubious Svengali. One of the most notorious examples is the late Lolo Ferrari whose husband/manager ‘encouraged’ her to undergo 22 operations to transform her cleavage to gargantuan proportions and the dubious honour of an entry in the Guinness Book of World Records. It seems so as her boobies inflated the rest of her personality shrank and all people saw with lido-like inflated lips and two massive bowling balls. Ms Ferrari was paraded around assorted erotic fairs, man-handled and gawped at like some latter day Joseph Merrick’s female counterpart. I recall seeing her appearances on Eurotrash with a tinge of sadness, a lady that perhaps wanted some genuine recognition but was reduced to some sort of cartoon character in order to amuse sniggering viewers who watched with sheer disbelief how her silicon babies kept her afloat in a paddling pool. However, as a fellow woman I worried about the sheer toll such extreme breast augmentation would take on her health. Even buying a bra would require the help of scaffolding and structural engineering experts! No wonder the lady was on assorted pain killers and suffered greatly, dying aged only 37 by suffocation! Even so her late husband was cleared of her murder; I feel he had driven her to an early death by pushing her to such extreme surgery. Personally, I would like to see this twisted Professor Higgins type have some special scrotum enlargement and place her implants, proud 6.2 lb in each of his balls!